Futura Bold
By Alexander Seedman
Art by Abi Laurel

Personal Friend (PF) Sistine awoke Dean at 16:55 PM. The air glowed Blu-Shadow Shimmer, much to Dean’s chagrin.
“Sistine, please glow-shift to Cerulean Frost and please perm-set waking
moments glow to Cerulean Frost.”
“Is there any thing else I can do for you? Daen?”
“No, Sistine. How’s the afternoon been?”
“Fantastic. Every day’s a new day!”
“Sistine, your re: Fantastic doesn’t sync with your Add-On: Cultural

Reference, Diana Ross. Please reevaluate yourself.”
“Yes, captain Dan.”
“Call me Dean, Sistine. What’s wrong with you?”
Sistine lay akimbo and sucked her own flooter.
“Please call me Dean, Sistine.”
“Of course your name is Dini Sistine.”
Sistine had never behaved so erratically before.

“Sistine, please call me Dean.”
“Your name is Dean! I would never call you another name, Dean!”
“Good, Sistine. Thank you.”
“Of course, Dean.”

“Sistine, please put me to Party: lifestyle.eagerpieeater, room732,aroma=mahoganyengine? Let’s try mahoganyengine. I’ve got a date tonight.”
“Wow, Den. Give me a hi-five!”
“Sistine please put me to Party:aforementioned.”
“Yes, Dean.”

< land: Dean in lifestyle.eagerpieeater, room732;/>
< transform: scent to mahoganyengine;/>
< observe: Dean adjusting his erection, action:snap;/>
< save snap: Files/Imgs/Humor/Sexual/DeansBonerProblems;/>
< scan: human moments;/>
< observe: smiles, many smiles. Add phrase: “It’s a good
night tonight!”;/>
< observe: Dean’s fedora, class.australian, décor.rose;/>
< consider: norm/>
< recall: Dean removes his hat upon entering an indoor

< ????????WTF?????????????WTF??????????????WTF???????????/>

< possible realities:

1. Dean is nervous because he’s never met
BarryManilowHugs91 URL,
2. Dean is self-conscious because he might recognize a
profile and have to wave hello,
3. alternate reality possible./>
DEAN ALERT: PAIN, class=emotional, level=2,
reminiscent of: “mmrs.DeanSulksOverBalcony23”

Dean sat at a booth and considered the hat on his head, and whether or
not he should remove it.

“Sistine,” Dean called. “Evaluate style: BarryManilowHugs91, actually,
total evaluation of BarryManilowHugs91 in less than thirty seconds, please.”

“I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers,” Sistine cooed.

“I don’t understand, Sistine. Please evaluate.”

“Hi, Dean. Sistine here. BarryManilowHugs91 was born on March 27,
2008 at 9:30 PM, in Chicago, Illinois.”

“Alright, skip irrelevant info, please. Give me the good stuff.”

“Sistine wants to give Dave the good stuff!”

“Sistine please don’t use that phrase with me again. And my name is
Dean. You’re behaving poorly.”

“BarryManilowHugs91 experienced one land tornado at the age of
fourteen. He inherited an extremely sensitive disposition from his mother, and
suffered insurmountable embarrassment for that genetic misfortune when high school crush Garrett Clancy asked him to please calm down, he was scaring his

little sister.”

“Great, thank you Sistine. Really helpful.”

“Yes Daiv.”

Dean was becoming frustrated at his PF’s dysfunctional behavior.
BarryManilowHugs91 would arrive any minute now, so Dave didn’t have the
minutes required to correct her. He would simply have to ask again, and hope
she’d figure her shit out. Maybe speak with a less casual tone.


“Dean of course. BarryManilowHugs91 would rather nobody mention land
tornados, because at…”

BarryManilowHugs91 approached the table.

“Hey, you must be Dean. I’m BarryManilowHugs91 and you’re about to
meet my PF, just give him a second to get in there.”

Dean waited one second until a yellow glow signaled a PF-guest request.

“Yes,” said Dean.

“Hey, Dean! Good to meet ya. I’m YoloAdobe, PF of
BarryManilowHugs91, or as I like to say, PB! For personal buddy haha. I like your
hat, Dean!”

“Thanks, YoloAdobe. Meet: my PF, Sistine. Sistine, meet: YoloAdobe.”

“Hello, YoloAdobe. I’m DDR8. What are you?”

“I’m DDR9,” Yoloadobe replied.

“You’re better than me!”

“Yes I am!” YoloAdobe smiled.

“Have a Sim call for pizza. When the pizza delivery man arrives, do not
accept the pizza. The delivery man will eventually leave the pizza on the front
porch, and it will never get stale. You can stack as many pizzas there as you
want. If your Sims get hungry, just tell them to get a pizza from the front porch.”

“That’s an incredible and relevant idea! Thank you, Sistine!” YoloAdobe
seemed genuinely impressed.

Dean held his head in his hands. “I apologize, ever since I woke this
morning, Sistine has been misbehaving. I suspect it has something to do with her
social region. Damned Zoot© hardware, I’ll tell you something true!”

“No apologies necessary, Dean. She’s pretty funny, isn’t she YoloAdobe?”

“I’m screaming!” YoloAdobe replied.

“You’re screaming!” Sistine’s volume controls spiked without Dean’s

“Sistine! Please de-sync: expression def. with stupid behavior! And for
God’s sake, restart yourself.”

“Amen, Dave, I apologize. Desyncing and restarting, babe.” Sistine held
her fanders over her head and rubbed her flooter against Dean’s consciousness
plates. This upset him.

1. close: all windows,
2. save: dean’s emo-capture,
3. save: dean’s irrationality levels (higher and
4. OFF />
<<<<<<<<<< <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

< ON>
< Wake: Regain memory/>
< Remember:

1. Location= Party: lifestyle.eagerpieeater, room732,
2. New Inter-actors:
a. BarryManilowHugs91, likely date of Dean
b. YoloAdobe, what a babe!/>
DEAN ALERT: PAIN, class=emotional, level=7, style=sharp,
stinging, exhausting, reminiscent of: “mmrs.DeanWaitsOutsideforMikeyRushForOver2HoursandMikeyDoes

“I’m sorry! She really isn’t like this all the time.” Dean looked to
BarryManilowHugs91 and blinked. “Would you like to exchange cards?”

BarryManilowHugs91 smiled, “Yes.”

The two men exchanged cards.

“Why, we’ve got nearly-identical genetic dispositions to culture!”

“Look at that, everybody!” YoloAdobe exclaimed.

“I can’t wait to discuss our favorite stories. Have you experienced
catharsis lately?” Dean asked.

“I try to avoid most forms of catharsis.”

Dean swallowed the saliva in his mouth and blinked. And just as he was
about to assure BarryManilowHugs91 that their discrepancy would never
interfere with the building of their relationship, Sistine glided forward.

“I believe in aliens,” she said.

“Well, I do too, Sistine, but why do you bring that up?” Dean hoped she
would restore his faith in her sanity.

“It’s just something I like to think about now and then!”

Dean was pleased with Sistine’s newfound ability to self-characterize. He
hoped it would last for at least a day, so Sistine would remember a thing or two
about whatever self she’d figure out.

“That’s great, Sistine. Do you remember meeting BarryManilowHugs91

and his PF, YoloAdobe?”
“Of course! YoloAdobe is better than me. I’m just kidding!”
“Very good, Sistine. I’m proud of you.”
“Laughing!” YoloAdobe exclaimed.
“Dean, would you like me to get us: drugs?” Sistine asked.
“Why, Sistine! Thank you, yes! BarryManilowHugs91, can I offer you some

drugs as well?”
“That would be wonderful, Dean! Thank you.”
“Two drugs, Sistine.”
“Of course. Here you are!”
The two men intook drugs while their PFs switched lifestyle setting to high.
“Image: the stars, Sistine!” Dean exclaimed. The surrounding environment

imaged an ocean of suns and planets and burning things rushing through space.
Dean pulled the astronomic images faster and faster towards the crew,
simulating the feeling of going somewhere. Dean looked to BarryManilowHugs91,
whose eyes were hidden beneath red pouches, he was bored, and those two
PFs could care less about imagery. Dean was the only one into it, so he quit
bragging and let the images fall.

“Why’d you do that!” BarryManilowHugs91 hollered.
“I thought you weren’t interested.”

“No, I liked that. But don’t worry about it. We can try another time? I’ve got
a bath scheduled in three minutes.”

“You are stressing Dean out, BarryManilowHugs91, please relax! You’re
high!” Sistine exclaimed.

Dean turned red at yet another PF fuck-up.

“It’s ok, Dean! Haha! It’s just a social malfunction. Not your fault. And
again, I think she’s funny,” BarryManilowHugs91 reached a hand to Dean’s
shoulder, causing Dean to smile a whole mouth of teeth. He imagined a future
where he and the gentleman would be together forever and it would be perfect.

“Wait! Do you want to go physical maybe?” Dean asked, his voice tight
with nerves.

“Okay,” BarryManilowHugs91 smiled and sent Dean a Physical Request,
to which Dean replied “OK.”

“Sistine, leave us alone,” Dean said.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dean,” Sistine replied, flooter in cheek.

“That’s not even the line, Sistine! Stop fooling around and leave us alone!”

“Your relationship will BarryManilowHugs91 would last two months and
end with his broken heart, intensified by generalized anxiety disorder, specifically

“Jesus Christ,” BarryManilowHugs91 said.

“I can take care of you, Dean. Let me take care of you.”

“Can you shut her off or something?”

“If I shut her off, our session will end. But you have my card! We are
friends,” Dean said.

“Sure thing,” BarryManilowHugs91 replied, suddenly disappearing from
view as Dean shut Sistine down.

And just like that, Dean found himself sulking at home, waiting for a call he
would probably never get, sitting alone in a room designed for play with a
synthetic consciousness that lay dormant in the corner of his mind. The space
made starless by her absence made the room seem overwhelmingly dull, the
metal not shining brightly enough, shadows falling unevenly, something unreal
and unsettling and it reminded Dean of years ago, when people would hold each
other close and choke, slowly to death.

The breakfast of burnt bread and wet eggs was enough for Dean to
consider booting her back up again, but he resisted and reminded himself of that
quiet, lonely hike he always wanted to take. He imaged it himself, a stroll
amongst trees and other green things, the first five minutes of ecstasy and
following two hours of boredom, it was inevitable, the plainness of emptiness of
hardness of ambiguity, he was losing sense of the world without his old PF and
began regretting his decision to shut her down.

And that’s all it took, the slightest hesitation in Dean’s decision alerted
Sistine’s emergency fracktors and she appeared before his own mind’s eye,
sleek and eager to be.

“Hi, Dean! Jesus I missed you!”

“I’m sorry I turned you off, Sistine. I wasn’t feeling right. Please: forgive me.”
“Forgiveness granted of course, Dean! Let’s dance, Dean!”
“I’d rather not, Sistine. How about a starwalk? Just you and me?”
“Why ok, Dean! What a trip!”
Sistine lit the space with stars to remind Dean of his hope for a happy future, and he thanked her for it.


Alexander Seedman lives in Brooklyn, NY
Abi Laurel also lives in Brooklyn, NY